Posted on: October 9th, 2009 THE WORLD’S OLDEST ESCORT!

Once upon a time – like before I was ever part of the escort business, I figured being an escort was like being an athlete. A girl only had at most two decades to amass wealth before she would have to retire – as in…who’s gonna pay to be with a middle-aged/past-her-prime individual? How naive was I? Experience has shown me that these girls can work until the day they die! Now, I’ve had more than my share of clients who ride the bus half price but one comes to mind that really cold-cocked me and turned my ass around backwards!

A couple of years ago, I went to visit a forty-something girl who will on occasion have a “mature” lady working alongside her. And sure enough, when I arrived, she had a colleague who stood straight and tall but really DID appear to be a little too old for this business. So we ran a line ad describing her as “fifty-something for men who appreciate a very talented mature lady.” Maybe a week later, I saw my friend again without her geriatric sidekick and asked “How old was that granny with all the raunchy stories?” The answer? Get ready! 86!!!

Get the fuck outta here! My friend went on to elaborate “You can’t believe how much energy this woman has. She runs here and there and up and down…and to the store…and on the subway. I get tired just trying to keep up with her.” Well…clearly, retirement did not appeal to that lady. Eighty six years young and in the prime of her life. Just when I thought I’d seen and heard everything!

Moving on..I’m developing a bromance with the Alexis Club guy over the phone. His senoritas look pretty hot. And I already understand how his business works. The vacation itself? Wow! Talk about a kid in a candy store and/or “died and gone to heaven syndrome.” Imagine flying off to a fabulous resort in The Caribbean to hang with a different breathtaking hottie every day (actually, you’re promised three – but for a few extra bucks in drivers’ fees, you can swap out at will ad infinitum). Sounds like a plan, Stan! O shit! I forgot. I’m shackled to a computer! Hey! A guy can dream! Check it out! www.alexisclub.com. Sign me up. Billed out and bound to go – and every day I want a different you-know-what!

So I got a gander at The New Velvet Curtain’s Voice ad yesterday. OMG! Now I know that opinions vary when it comes to art appreciation. But having said that, their ad is the worst piece of crap I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like somebody was playing a cruel joke on the old curtain. “Dinghies out at sea without a compass” really didn’t convey the situation accurately. “Completely and utterly fucking clueless” might be more appropriate, though I’m not sure the words exist to properly describe this outfit’s ineptitude. I really made them a very beautiful ad…and what they have now has got to be the rawest piece of crap any union worker whipped up in 23 and a half seconds.

And speaking of clueless…my new television client asked for a disc of her current 30 second spot so she can change a few things. This girl actually thinks she can change the phone number and/or the voiceover from a copy of the spot without actually going into the studio. Newsflash: Honey! This ain’t no photoshop! I can’t give you the layers on a disc so you can change your ad! You have to go into the studio to do that!

Hey! I think I’ll call the printer and tell them to ship me a disc of the entire ESCORT paper so I can edit a phone number AFTER all the papers have been printed. That would be about the same thing! Things that make you go “Holy crap! Am I in The Twilight Zone?” Come to think of it…I get that feeling at least once a day in this business.

Do.do.do.do.do.do.do.do! Beam me up, Scotty! Or better yet…beam to The Dominican Republic…to AlexisClub.com. Now we’re talkin’!

Courtesy of our friends at  DOLLAR  BILL’S PSYCHO ROUNDUP   in New York.

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